Troubled Hearts

 I guess it has now been almost a month since my mentor pastor, Rev. Charles Brewster passed away.  It was sad that he left this world and I do dearly miss him.  My husband, Chris & I were not able to make the initial memorial service in Dallas, TX.  It just did not work out - we were both in the middle of a vacation and I had a class the week of the memorial service. 

In seminary we are taught that funerals and memorial services are more for the living - to help honor the loss of the loved one and also help begin the mourning process. In CPE (Clinical Pastoral Education or Chaplaincy) we explored the various ways a person may grieve.  Some people move quickly into the next phase of their life while others take years to understand what has happened.  Basically mourning is a personal process and everyone deals with it differently.

I recently received a phone call from Charles' brother Fred.  Fred was calling because he was going through Charles' things and wanted them to go to people that would need or use them.  Charles had had a large library when he lived in New York but only brought his most favorite books with him to Dallas, TX.  I felt honored that Fred thought of me.  At first he was just going to bring them with him to the New York City memorial service in September for my perusal but decided to send me some books that I could use for the ordination exams.

The box arrived promptly on Monday at 1pm.  I opened the box and found Charles' beloved Greek Bible bound in a maroon leather followed by other Greek texts and Commentaries.  I opened a TNIV Bible that was towards the bottom of the box and leafed to John.  The Bible opened to John 14:1-4 spoken by Jesus:

“Do not let your hearts be troubled. Believe in God, believe also in me. In my Father’s house there are many dwelling places. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, so that where I am, there you may be also. And you know the way to the place where I am going.”

I remembered someone mentioning that Charles wanted his memorial service to be a joyous occasion.  Initially I couldn't understand this.  Funerals, I thought, were for crying and mourning.  But mourning can take on different forms.  This passage reminded me that Charles had lived the type of life that God had called him to live.  Charles had touched so many people.  It was evident by the number of visits he received in Dallas, Tx from people from around the globe.  It was evident from his brother Fred's diligent care while Charles was alive and his careful tending to Charles belongings following his death.

Charles' passing is sad and I do miss him.  But this passage reminded me that Charles has been called home. That Charles is delighting in the face of God, in the face of the Maker, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit. I can take comfort in that and hope to use what Charles has taught me about really living a Christian life in my life. Do not let your hearts be troubled... you know the place where I am going.

A Rainbow after the Storm

The last time I saw a rainbow was right before I was accepted to seminary at LPTS.  That was until yesterday. 

The skies had gotten black and thunder roared in the skies.  There were flashes of lightening and the rain came down hard. My husband looked out the window worried.  What if one of the trees were to fall on our car?  But what could we do but wait and watch?

Nothing happened to our car.  A tree did fall in front of a neighbor's apartment pulling out the railing but no one was hurt.  Surveying the wreckage from the storm, trees had been uprooted, garbage cans lay in the middle of the road, and part of the city was without power. But in the distance a rainbow painted the sky. It was beautiful.

In the Bible, God used the rainbow as a covenant with Noah.  I can't say that this rainbow was a reminder of this covenant in the strictest sense.  Instead it reminded me that you can't have a rainbow without weathering a rainstorm first.  Challenges may still be ahead but God has something beautiful in store - a rainbow.

The wheel's on the Truck...

Yesterday was a big day, 3 families moved onto campus.  Others moved in last week and I am sure yet others will arrive later this week.  I could see the anticipation, excitement, exhaustion, and fear in their eyes.  What am I doing here?  How am I going to fit my stuff in this apartment? Who am I going to meet?  Did I make the right choice for my family?

I remember asking these same questions about 2 years ago.  My husband and I moved from New York City leaving behind familiar jobs, a beautiful apartment, very dear friends, and a church we had become particularly attached to.  It was a tough decision and I feel fortunate that my husband was supportive of it.  I also feel fortunate that he was able to find a teaching job prior to our arrival in Louisvile, I know this is not the case for everyone.

Since their are all sorts of rules about parking in New York - we had to get our stuff in the truck in one day.  Everything was already in boxes and two of our friends came to help us get it all in the truck.  It was a hot and sticky day and our neighbors were staring at us.  We were surprised by some of our neighbors audibly mourning our departure.  We didn't know that we had become a part of the fabric of our Brooklyn Complex. We drove to New Jersey that night with our cat and stayed at a motel.

The next stop was a quick visit in Pittsburgh to see my sister and our then toddler nephew.  We continued on into Ohio and stayed with my parents there for the night.  The last leg of the trip across Ohio into Kentucky proved to be more eventful than we had expected.  The truck was slow and laborious.  Any small incline proved to be a struggle for such a weighed down vehicle.  We were anxious and just wanted to get there.  Our cat was really not happy with us at this point.

We arrived in Louisville with expectation and joy!  We made it!  We opened the door to our new apartment, alone, and after one peek into our new abode I began to cry.  The space was a dark, basement apartment lined with tiles, out dated 70's cabinets and furniture, and concrete brick walls.  What had I gotten us into?  Our old apartment had been beautiful.  This one was tiny and dingy.  An oversized dorm room. The exhaustion was starting to set in but we still needed to unpack.

We went outside and 4 smiling faces came out to greet us.  One of Chris' future colleagues also drove out from Carrollton to help us.  The move in was much smoother than the move out.  We got everything in before the season's first flash flood.  It was like God had opened the skies to say you have made a tough decision, it's not going to be easy, but I am washing it clean to reform you into the person I intend you to be.

Seminary has not been easy and certainly has been challenging.  I have changed in ways that I cannot fully explain in a blog post.  Two years later it seems remarkable that I am now preparing for ordination exams, my senior year of seminary, will be serving as student body president, and eventually looking for a call.  This is the cycle of seminary - one moment you are looking into your apartment crying for all that you have left behind - the next you are sentimental for all the growth that has transpired.  All you can do is realize that the wheels on God's truck go round and round to places you never thought you would go before